PACK A TRAVELER, AS MY MOTHER WOULD SAY

So on top of all life’s other requirements these days we are also approaching an overseas trip that has been planned for almost two years and to tell you the truth, I never really thought it would happen so I didn’t allow myself to worry about it and, well, now…it’s fucking happening.   Don’t get me wrong; I am not bitching about a trip to Europe, because that would be entitled and ridiculous – I’m simply mentioning that this generous and amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunity also comes with a LOT of planning and organization.

So while we’re over there being kind and benevolent ambassadors of the United States, and more importantly, the South, I’ve been trying to come up with some things to bring my relatives that are indigenous to my home state, besides moonshine and meth.  Now, it’s important to note that I have not met some of these folks, so there is a bit of a gamble on picking out appropriate and tasteful gifts.

A cute and cuddly stuffed possum, is a no-brainer, is it not?  Who wouldn’t want to curl up and spoon with one of these nocturnal garbage eating rascals?!?  I only wish this one could hiss and spit like they do in real life.  Oh well, bummer.  My cousin’s little girl is going to squeal in delight!

 

So, my cousin’s wife (whom I have not yet met) is from Paris so you KNOW she’s skinny and fabulous and probably wears high heels while she’s sipping champagne and eating pistachio macaroons. Since I know already she’s going to be totally fashion forward (she probably really wears a beret you guys!) naturally I thought a piece from the states would compliment her collection of haute couture.  After much thought about what her “go-to” pieces might be, I figured no-gal-about-town would be caught dead in the fashion district of London or Paris without her Confederate Flag hoodie!

I bet we are gonna be BFF right from the start, I can just feel it.  Now, my aunt and uncle do indeed have everything so they were a little bit harder to shop for.  My Mom had suggested a nice hand carved wooden wind chimes with some sandstones perhaps, to hang outside on their veranda, overlooking their vineyard.  Well, I found something EVEN BETTER.

Now, I know you can pay top dollar for these things in states like Arizona and New Mexico but I have never seen one indigenous to the South, so this very well *may* be a collector’s item.

 

Now my cousin is also turning 50 this year, so I can’t leave him out.  Obviously we did not grow up together but I feel pretty confident that he’s going to LOVE this t-shirt as his birthday gift. See what they did there with the BIG RACKS?!?!  SO FUCKING CLEVER. I mean, I’m no worldly expert or anything, but I feel pretty sure the Europeans love their guns and hunting (and boobs) just like we do, am I right?!?

 

I know America is getting a pretty bad rap these days and I think I may be correct in assuming most of the other countries pity us but I hope that I can go over there and be a beacon of light and hope for the residents of other countries.  We are famous here in the South for our hospitality so I’m just gonna pack that shit right up and take it across the pond, y’all!  You know, like Dolly Parton, the Patron Saint of the Smoky Mountains – I’m just going to sprinkle love and kindness all over everything, you know, like glitter.

I thought about getting off the plane sporting a MAGA hat but I seriously don’t want to give my international family a collective stroke.

My cousin  DOES know I’ve struggled with a drinking problem the last couple thirty years of my life, so I’m sure he doesn’t know quite what to expect, but I hope to assuage his fears.  The last time he saw me it was 10 days after my liver surgery, and I don’t remember much. I recall trying to make jokes while shivering uncontrollably while also praying that my liver wouldn’t shoot out of my asshole. I mean, come on, after THAT, how bad can I possibly be?!?